Living with a narcissistic pervert, a manipulator, a toxic person is a traumatic experience. When the relationship ends, many women feel anxious, tired or suffer from post-traumatic stress. This is a normal reaction, but you shouldn’t stay in this state of depression for too long. In this article, I will give you several tips to help you rebuild after a toxic relationship.
Identify your triggers
If you were completely financially dependent on your toxic partner, he or she may have told you that you would never get along without him or her. If it was a lack of self-confidence, he was probably constantly putting you down and telling you that you wouldn’t find another partner if you left him. If you had children, he would make you feel guilty and tell you that you had to stay “for the children”…
To keep you in a toxic relationship, the narcissistic pervert identifies your fears and amplifies them. The first step is to understand what your triggers are and eliminate them.
Cut the bridges
One of the most important rules when leaving a toxic partner is to cut off all contact. This can be tedious but it is very important. The toxic partner feeds on your energy and attention. The worst thing you can do to him is to completely ignore him.
Block him on all social networks and do not communicate with him anymore. Don’t read or respond to any of his emails or messages, no matter how tempted you are to do so.
If he continues to try to contact you through false numbers or mutual friends, I strongly encourage you to change your phone number and social network accounts. If you have friends in common, ask yourself: “Is this friend more friendly with the toxic person than with me? This is often the case because a toxic partner cuts you off from your circle of friends to better manipulate you.
Leave the past in the past
After leaving a toxic partner, you may regret spending all those years with him or her. You may feel bitterness, hatred, anger… However, I invite you to leave your past behind you. If you stay stuck on these regrets, you are maintaining the connection with the toxic partner and he continues to have a negative influence on your life.
Instead, adopt a growth mindset to move forward. Celebrate the fact that you left a toxic partner. Many women never realize they are living with a narcissistic pervert or make the decision to end the toxic relationship. Use this experience to learn and grow.
To help you do this, use a gratitude journal in your morning routine. Each day, take the time to write down in a few lines the things, big or small, that make you feel joyful, grateful or proud. For example, being healthy, having a roof over your head and food to eat, leaving the toxic person, etc. The gratitude journal will help you reprogram your brain to look at the bright side of life.
After a painful separation, you may feel that your life is over and that you will never find happiness again.
These are limiting beliefs that prevent you from finding your joy in life. It is never too late to live life to the fullest! Don’t deprive yourself of the pleasures of life, take up a hobby that tempts you, reconnect with friends you’ve lost touch with, take up a sporting activity that makes you feel good, etc. Incorporate these activities into your weekly schedule and hire a babysitter to take care of your children. If you take a few hours or a day for yourself the world will not collapse. On the contrary, it will help you release your past and regain your energy.
Find your inner peace
The toxic relationship has probably left you feeling sad and anxious. You may find that you have a tendency to overreact to the smallest things or that you are particularly sensitive to other people’s problems. So I advise you to avoid any negative news or people until you are in a better state of mind. Meditation can be very helpful in this case. It will teach you to focus on yourself and give you the ability to return to calm when you are in stressful situations. In our program “Growing out of a toxic relationship”, we offer several exercises and guided meditations.
Avoid negative thoughts
When you have lived with a toxic partner, you have become accustomed to being in a constant state of stress and alertness. Your brain becomes addicted to these negative emotions. You will notice that your daily thoughts are dominated by feelings of sadness, guilt, fear… What are the thoughts you repeat to yourself every day? Do you think that something bad is going to happen to you or that your day will be filled with happiness?
To get rid of the addiction to negative feelings, you need to replace them with positive feelings such as gratitude, love, joy… Focus on these feelings every day through gratitude journaling and meditation. You can also incorporate positive affirmations into your morning routine. For example “I am confident”, “I am powerful”, etc. Close your eyes and picture these positive affirmations, feeling the positive emotions they evoke in you.
Improve your lifestyle
Get moving, eat healthily and limit your alcohol intake. Take care of your body because it will give you more energy to improve your well-being and strengthen your positive habits.
Having met a toxic person is a very powerful evolutionary lever. It forces you to grow into a better person. You become an alchemist, that is, you turn lead into gold. Lead represents the past, guilt, shame and suffering. Gold represents learning, knowledge, new perceptions of yourself and your abilities. You are an alchemist when you use your past and your mistakes to move towards your wishes, gold allows you to move forward on your path of light.
To transform suffering into evolution, the negative into positive, I invite you to ask yourself this question: “What would I do differently if I had to live this situation again today?
What are the most important consequences at the end of a toxic relationship?
The initial reaction of relief that usually occurs after successfully ending the relationship is almost always followed by a sense of loss: the person may feel uncomfortable and have problems living on their own. This may lead them to seek immediate relief in a new relationship rather than taking time to reflect on what happened, what behaviours they found difficult to recognise as wrong, and what responsibility they have for not ending the relationship earlier. This is the moment when the person must understand that everything he or she has experienced is neither normal nor healthy, and cannot be linked to the word “love”.
It is essential to gradually rebuild self-esteem, which has been seriously compromised by the relationship that has just ended. Only when you have been able to place yourself at the centre of your interests will you be able to face a new relationship, this time in a different way.
The wounds left in us by the toxic relationship can also make us distrust the people around us: the consequence could be that we are afraid to connect with others for fear of feeling used again, pushing us into isolation.
Is there a risk of falling into another toxic relationship? If so, why?
The risk of falling back into a similar relationship is related to the degree of awareness of the person: the more we have been able to focus on the dynamics that characterised the ended relationship, the more we will be able to recognise a dangerous or toxic person in time and avoid starting a new relationship with them.
It is therefore essential to take time for ourselves to start the process of awareness, whether we do it ourselves or with the help of an outside person. This is the only way to acquire the necessary tools to decode in time the behaviour of others, but also to know the personal characteristics to be reinforced to avoid future traps.
Is it possible to turn the end of a toxic relationship into an opportunity? If so, how?
Not only can the end of a toxic relationship be turned into an opportunity, but it is essential to do so to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
First of all, we need to understand that we cannot live a rewarding relationship by convincing ourselves that the other person will change or that certain behaviours will magically disappear. In idealising the other person, we fail to see who he or she really is.
It is essential that we strengthen our self-esteem and learn not to depend too much on the judgements of others so as not to be in a situation of dependence that could lead us to be easily manipulated.
Finally, it is necessary to understand that an unhealthy relationship is never better than loneliness: even though loneliness can scare us, we must learn to face it, because only once we have learned to feel good about ourselves can we build a healthy and balanced relationship with someone else.
When can we say that we have found the balance?
I think we can say that we have found a balance when we have been able to analyse the past relationship, decode the dynamics and understand what our responsibilities were. Only then will we not run the risk, in the future, of confusing unrelated behaviour with love.