Here are 12 tips for staying together in the best possible harmony.
1° – Find someone who looks like you…
Opposites attract, but they may get stuck in the long run. It is better to be as similar as possible, and in any case to share the same priorities in life, the same life goals. We need security, we want the other person to take care of us and react positively if we need help and support. So being with someone who knows your world and aspires to the same things as you is an advantage.
2° – …but accept the differences
The one thing you should never do – and yet most do – is try to change your partner. The more people have changed, the more they have given up on their partner, the more unhappy they are. If you feel you have to change for your partner because he or she doesn’t accept you as you are, you will be unhappy. Conversely, if you try to change your partner, you are sending a message that you don’t like him or her the way he or she is. Only if he or she is 100% sure of your love and feels that you understand him or her will he or she be willing to accept things from you, that you only want to help him or her. All this is written in both masculine and feminine forms, of course.
3° – Take advantage of your differences
Ideally, you should adopt each other’s idiosyncrasies. Each of you has things to improve, such as being more structured or assertive. Your partner may have these qualities that you want to develop and can be an example for you and reinforce your qualities.
4° – The Michelangelo effect: sculpt your partner
We need to encourage each other and use each other’s potential. Helping each other brings well-being and strengthens bonds.
5° – Trust yourselves
If you trust each other, you give each other a lot of credit. You feel secure in your relationship and know that your partner is there for you, even – especially! – when you are in a vulnerable situation. If you let your partner assume that you have a secret, you become suspicious and unreliable, whether or not there is a secret. The secret itself is of little importance. If you keep a secret, you are implicitly saying “I don’t trust you enough”. This undermines trust and will encourage the other person to spy on you, which will not lead to anything good, because even if they don’t find out if there is nothing to find out, they will continue to be suspicious.
6° – Control yourself
Show that you can control yourself and you will gain more trust from your partner. Studies even show that people who can control themselves are less susceptible to temptations from other potential partners. Another good way to control yourself: if your partner is a little upset with you and says harsh things, respond calmly, avoid escalating.
7° – Stay loyal
Most people say they would never forgive a deception, but in the end, when it happens, couples often stay together, for example, because the other showed sincere remorse. Or because the cheated partner is more forgiving than the other imagined. Or because he or she realized that leaving the partner would be even more difficult. But the trust that is essential to your relationship will be hard to regain.
Trust comes on foot and goes on horseback. When it has been betrayed in a relationship, restoring it will take a lot of work. Again, self-control goes a long way in showing your partner your willingness to rebuild trust and that you are sure it is possible.
8° – Be grateful
If you feel grateful for your relationship, if you know it is good for you, you must do your best to maintain it. You will do this by taking care of your partner, keeping your appointments, avoiding arguments, etc. Your partner will also be grateful. The degree of gratitude seems to predict the ups and downs of the relationship, much more than, for example, satisfaction. If gratitude decreases, partners do less for each other, and that hurts the relationship.
One of the most important needs is to feel understood. Make the other person feel that you are with them not in spite of their shortcomings, but because of them. Relationships have good days and bad days, conflicts are inevitable. Accepting each other, even when you’re stressed or cranky, forgiving each other and doing the right thing are signs that you care about the relationship, even in the bad times. Anything you can do to make this happen contributes to a good relationship.
9° – It is not necessary to know the other person well
It doesn’t matter how well you know your partner or how well you think you know your partner. People who know their partner’s weaknesses well do not seem to be happier in a relationship. People mostly want the other person to see the world as they do and for their partner to understand them. In this way, it becomes predictable and secure for them, and they accept the feelings and experiences that the relationship provides.
If your relationship is under pressure, such as arguments, financial problems, or problems with children, you will probably realize that you didn’t know your partner as well as you thought you did. For example, you may discover that you have different ideas about parenting… You may blame yourself and your partner for not taking your opinion into account. Make sure you do regular reality checks and keep talking to each other. Not only about the important things, but also just about the everyday things. Find similarities and differences, dreams and expectations and listen to each other, so that you can make compromises and consider solutions.
10° – Admire yourself… but not too much
If you admire each other, you will be happier. This works exactly like recognition. But don’t have too much admiration in one direction, because it can throw the relationship off balance. Ideally, partners will admire each other and feel a sense of mutual pride.
11° – Decide together what you want from a sex
Sex is a form of contact, but it is the most intimate. The meaning of sex can vary from one couple to another. It can go very well, but it can also be a source of tension. And while some people feel most comfortable in bed, others feel better out of it.
Two myths: the ideal sexual relationship is one that leads to orgasm and masturbation is a betrayal of your partner. The right sexual relationship is the one you decide on together. Solo sex can help you strengthen your sexual relationship. And often, your partner may be surprised and turned on by the idea of you masturbating.
In most relationships, sexual problems can occur and can be resolved very easily. Couples who have not had sex in a long time are often on the end, and certainly if there is no consensus on this point. It is common for one partner to need sex more than the other over time. Vary the circumstances and make time for it. Talking about it can bring more understanding and rekindle desire.
12° – Have children… or not
Do you have to have children? It is impossible to say. Children give you a purpose in life and make it more important, and if you agree on the education, you will be very happy. But you will have more responsibility and stress. People who want children should be aware that they will have to make sacrifices.
Well-being would increase on average by 0.71 on a scale of 1 to 7 when having children. Parents feel happier overall, but negative effects such as stress and fatigue must be taken into account. It is therefore difficult to conclude on this point. A habituation effect is possible: it gives a feeling of happiness linked to the birth of children, but this feeling diminishes progressively with time, just as it can happen with a love relationship.
How to live your relationship well
There is one final, necessary point to consider in order to have a fulfilling and exciting relationship. In fact, it is the principle that every relationship starts from a relationship with yourself. Loving yourself is an asset if you want to live your love with your partner in happiness.
There is a belief that is counterproductive. It is the cliché of the couple whose two partners form an inseparable whole. You have probably heard the idea that a person is incomplete until he or she finds the other half! Yet it is this desire to complete yourself with another person that disturbs your love for yourself. You are already a complete human being. You don’t need anyone to survive. If you expect that your partner can complete you by giving you more, you may one day experience a disappointment, unfortunately, that will take away your confidence in your ability to take care of yourself.
Loving yourself for who you are going hand in hand with any relationship. You will learn to love and accept yourself as you are so that you can then love the other person fully, without depending on them. If this is not the case, the relationship is likely to lack balance. You will expect more from the other person than he or she can give you: the other person is not there to complete you. They have their own experiences, a past they live with!
As for you, you risk misinterpreting their words and gestures. Believing wrongly that you can guess what the other person is thinking and what he or she needs risks degrading the love relationship through unhealthy behaviour.
Getting to know each other really well
If you want to learn how to nurture your love relationship, so that you can create a relationship based on common well-being with your lover, the first step would be to get to know yourself as a person. It is often a good idea to make a list of your core values. You can also try to identify your preconceived notions of love, in order to compare them with the reality you experience. In addition, you probably have plans for yourself. This is where the quest for the other person’s love starts.
Being partners in love requires awareness. You are both different. Maybe you don’t always speak the same language. Maybe you don’t always have the same way of speaking as your partner. On the other hand, you are on the same wavelength when it comes to love. So you can choose to focus on your feelings for each other. You have the choice of drawing closer or highlighting the differences that keep you apart.